How Long The Road
Today I was thinking about emotional abuse. It's.... fucking exhausting. Being on the receiving end of systematic emotional abuse institutionalized by a girlfriend for 2 years, spouse for 2 more is taboo. When I say that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship everyone rolls their eyes or chuckles as though I'm telling a joke. I get the joke part as I'm normally one to crack jokes at inappropriate moments for the shock chuckle.... This one isn't a joke.
I think that my supervisor put it best yesterday. At my work I have been doing worse and worse. They state that I seem distracted, aloof, and unsure. She stated simply, "It's so frustrating. We know you can do the job, we've seen you do it and you've tested so well, but it these past three to four months you've been doing terribly."
... Yes. I have been doing terribly. Honestly I'm ashamed of my work and it sucks that this horrific mockery, this husk of what once was a dispatcher is actually trying his best to muster and rally. This is me trying my damnedest to "leave home at home." Being a male released from an emotionally abusive relationship nets a general response of, "Well why did you have feelings anyway?" Especially here in good old conservative, old fashioned family values Utah. I'm a man, I should be out there chopping down trees and killing animals with my bare hands to provide a bountiful feast for my wife, nine kids, dog, and cat. I'm not that kind of man. I'm an empathetic flesh sack who can admit that he cries.
Four years of structured expectation were placed upon me. The rules and restrictions crept in slowly so that I had time to adjust to their weight and feel nothing much had changed. Much like the proverbial frog being boiled slowly. In the time of the last year of this relationship I became a dispatcher. The work was incredibly rewarding and presented a challenging objective. I was able to focus much of my energy on this and it began to nudge aside some of the control my wife had on me. This, obviously, heralded the beginning of what would be the end of our.... time together. So, my life gets turned upside down, controlling abuser leaves suddenly and I'm left in a confused, lost, troubled, distracted fearful stupor.
Clearly this mental state is not great for dispatching. Not to mention the ever present over arching terror and dread that at any possible moment either of my daughter's bio parents can legally take her away from this home and the family and friends she knows and has known all her life. "leave home at home" doesn't work so great when something permeates every moment of life this way. Every time I go on break or get off work I'm terrified that there's going to be a voicemail from one of the grandma's saying "She took her and there was nothing we could do." There wouldn't be anything they can do. My ex would be within every legal right to take my daughter away.
Sack up and be better doesn't work when your brain is conditioned for abuse and needs the time to rewire... Yes, it has been four months. Four months of financial crisis, four months of dread and panic over where my daughter will be. Four months of trying to figure out how the hell to live and exist without the ever guiding hand of someone who has decided everything for you while invalidating your every feeling and opinion for four years. The outpouring of support was very kind when the abandonment had freshly occurred. As time has gone on I'm left sitting among the empty words and being asked why I'm not better. Look around at all this help that was offered, how can you not be totally better when all of this has been offered? Yesterday I came to the realization that I can't focus and do well at dispatch while I'm embroiled in this conflict and fighting for both my own sanity and for custody of the most important person to me in the entirety of existence.
During all of this, one thing that I have discovered is that I have much more freedom to actually focus on the pastimes and activities I'd like to. It has rekindled in me a fire of wanting to work from home. I want nothing more than to just stay home with my little girl, work, and watch her grow into the beautiful little empath that she's becoming. I love writing, I feel I'm a decent, if inexperienced writer. My family has always needed a creative outlet and traditionally they've chosen music or art. I've never felt that connection too strongly with either aside from singing throughout the day and enjoying doodling in the margins. Neither of these activities spoke to me as expression of self, more just something to fill the silence or to appease others.
I had given up on my dreams. My ideal life is to write in the morning and stream/record video game playing at night. I've always wanted to make money playing video games (Who doesn't?) but my rediscovered desire for writing has established what sounds to me like a full life that can be done from home as I care for the most important human in my life. I love being a father. It's the most rewarding and challenging thing I've ever done in my life. It's the first time I've felt true purpose and that I was doing something unquestionably good for me.
I understand, however that a more traditional job option will be required until I begin to actually make a profit from my passions. So this week I embark on an obsessive attempt to find work from home opportunities. I want to be home with Tesla. I don't want to have to keep anyone safe aside from my child anymore.
I think that my supervisor put it best yesterday. At my work I have been doing worse and worse. They state that I seem distracted, aloof, and unsure. She stated simply, "It's so frustrating. We know you can do the job, we've seen you do it and you've tested so well, but it these past three to four months you've been doing terribly."
... Yes. I have been doing terribly. Honestly I'm ashamed of my work and it sucks that this horrific mockery, this husk of what once was a dispatcher is actually trying his best to muster and rally. This is me trying my damnedest to "leave home at home." Being a male released from an emotionally abusive relationship nets a general response of, "Well why did you have feelings anyway?" Especially here in good old conservative, old fashioned family values Utah. I'm a man, I should be out there chopping down trees and killing animals with my bare hands to provide a bountiful feast for my wife, nine kids, dog, and cat. I'm not that kind of man. I'm an empathetic flesh sack who can admit that he cries.
Four years of structured expectation were placed upon me. The rules and restrictions crept in slowly so that I had time to adjust to their weight and feel nothing much had changed. Much like the proverbial frog being boiled slowly. In the time of the last year of this relationship I became a dispatcher. The work was incredibly rewarding and presented a challenging objective. I was able to focus much of my energy on this and it began to nudge aside some of the control my wife had on me. This, obviously, heralded the beginning of what would be the end of our.... time together. So, my life gets turned upside down, controlling abuser leaves suddenly and I'm left in a confused, lost, troubled, distracted fearful stupor.
Clearly this mental state is not great for dispatching. Not to mention the ever present over arching terror and dread that at any possible moment either of my daughter's bio parents can legally take her away from this home and the family and friends she knows and has known all her life. "leave home at home" doesn't work so great when something permeates every moment of life this way. Every time I go on break or get off work I'm terrified that there's going to be a voicemail from one of the grandma's saying "She took her and there was nothing we could do." There wouldn't be anything they can do. My ex would be within every legal right to take my daughter away.
Sack up and be better doesn't work when your brain is conditioned for abuse and needs the time to rewire... Yes, it has been four months. Four months of financial crisis, four months of dread and panic over where my daughter will be. Four months of trying to figure out how the hell to live and exist without the ever guiding hand of someone who has decided everything for you while invalidating your every feeling and opinion for four years. The outpouring of support was very kind when the abandonment had freshly occurred. As time has gone on I'm left sitting among the empty words and being asked why I'm not better. Look around at all this help that was offered, how can you not be totally better when all of this has been offered? Yesterday I came to the realization that I can't focus and do well at dispatch while I'm embroiled in this conflict and fighting for both my own sanity and for custody of the most important person to me in the entirety of existence.
During all of this, one thing that I have discovered is that I have much more freedom to actually focus on the pastimes and activities I'd like to. It has rekindled in me a fire of wanting to work from home. I want nothing more than to just stay home with my little girl, work, and watch her grow into the beautiful little empath that she's becoming. I love writing, I feel I'm a decent, if inexperienced writer. My family has always needed a creative outlet and traditionally they've chosen music or art. I've never felt that connection too strongly with either aside from singing throughout the day and enjoying doodling in the margins. Neither of these activities spoke to me as expression of self, more just something to fill the silence or to appease others.
I had given up on my dreams. My ideal life is to write in the morning and stream/record video game playing at night. I've always wanted to make money playing video games (Who doesn't?) but my rediscovered desire for writing has established what sounds to me like a full life that can be done from home as I care for the most important human in my life. I love being a father. It's the most rewarding and challenging thing I've ever done in my life. It's the first time I've felt true purpose and that I was doing something unquestionably good for me.
I understand, however that a more traditional job option will be required until I begin to actually make a profit from my passions. So this week I embark on an obsessive attempt to find work from home opportunities. I want to be home with Tesla. I don't want to have to keep anyone safe aside from my child anymore.
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